Chacotay time!

Only the other week I was sat in my ready room tucking into a fresh mug of tea - LMFAO!!! Of course it was coffee, black just the way I like it when over the comm came an emergency message from Chacotay. 

"Ahhhhhh, help me!!!!!" Of course I had to wait a few seconds whilst the translator deciphered the high-pitched girly screams.

"Help me. A giant Targ is loose on deck six and it has my scent" Doesn't everyone? i thought to myself as i took a long sip of my columbian coffee and the screaming continued.

"Oh my god it's got my leg! It's mauling me...HELP me....I want my mummy!"

It was at that moment, as i smiled to myself, that Tuvok entered to inform me that there was indeed an unknown lifeform on deck six near Chacotay's location. I said thank you and turned up the volume of the comm -something soothing about it. I would have let the screams continue, but Tuvok then informed me that there was a delay in making the last insurance premium on Chacotay and he was no longer insured for accidental injury or death.

I dropped my coffee grabbed mr happy and activated the transporter. Couldn't stop laughing at the Targ that was mauling Chacotay...

 

Is this really scary, even to the Chacotay's of the world? 

Kathryn.

INNOVATION - MRS Happy

This was to be the phazor of all phazors. It was supposed to surpass even my trusty Mr Happy in terms of power, style and ease of use. However, Belanna managed to mess that up!

The specifications were that it had to be approximately the same size as Mr Happy, look similar but have twin multi-directional phazors, inbuilt pulse gun along with a type 1 deflector. I also asked if she could throw in a phaze cannon attached to the barrel but knew it would be a long shot at best.

Well what can I say about this beast? What should have become my new best friend, never even made it off the testing range. 

Firstly, the multidirectional phazors worked rather well. The energy consumption was dramatically reduced by over a third however the targeting array kept frying and melting the trigger mechanism in the process leaving the user ducking for cover as the thing fired shots off at random locations.

Secondly, the type 1 deflector just couldn't be incorporated correctly. We all ways ended up with everything being deflected away from the unit - including the user. I lost 17 members of my crew testing this!

Third was the phaze cannon. I have to commend Belanna on at least trying to incorporate this into the unit. However, whilst charging, the thing would overload dispensing the charge into the unit instantly frying the user. Another 8 crew members sacrificed themselves on this part of the project.

Then we come to the style of the unit. Just because I wanted to name it Mrs Happy doesn't mean it had to look like something Chacotay made on the funny farm. Put simply, there was just no way I was taking that thing anywhere! Although I did send it to the Borg Queen on her birthday. You can only imagine the look on her face when she tried that out - kept me going for weeks!

PROJECT - Mrs Happy (Phasor Mark 15)

OUTCOME - Failure, although a success in that we got the Borg Queen good!

TOTAL COST - 25 Crew members, 47 phasor coils, 24 pots of glitter, 6 tubs of glue and 2 pairs of safety scissors. - Yes Chacotay tried to help!

Kathryn,

INNOVATIONS - Matrix Coat

Pretty much was supposed to do what it said on the tin. Long, black leather number with plenty of room room for Mr Happy, that when worn gives me the ability to fly around like Neo!

To cut along story short, Belanna never got very far with this. In fact, I think the only step she took that was successful was to replicate the coat. I'm not going to say too much about the unveiling but I will say I wasn't convinced with Belanna's efforts to make me think it worked. Pretending to move slow in the hope I would be deceived into believing I was moving cheeta-fast, was pretty weak. I thought I taught her better than that? I won't even mention the wires used to hoist me round the room when I jumped, they were more obvious that Seska's inevitable betrayal!

Anyway, needless to say the product failed and Belanna suffered for it!

PRODUCT - Matrix coat (Black - size 12)

OUTCOME - Failure!

TOTAL COST - Belanna's dignity.

Kathryn.

Unacceptable toy model.

I have just been forwarded the proof of me in toy form. This is what Starfleet think is acceptable as a toy? It looks nothing like me! It looks more like Chacotay in drag!

I think I'll be having some words with the peeps at Starfleet intel about how best to please a captain. I mean really? who would buy that thing? 

I mean what's with the hips? I've never given birth to a hippo - sideways! If that was representative, I'd get stuck in the turbo-lift doors! More importantly, what's with my shovel hands? How would I be able to hold Mr Happy and grip the trigger firmly for those epic battles 

during the Barneys sale?

Absolutely no thought in this whatsoever! Intend to send it back with a

 suggestion of where to stick it. If they release this onto the open market, I will be a laughing stock!